“Defence is the first act of war.” Byron Katie
Are you butting heads with anyone at the moment?
Who are you playing conflict ping pong with?
You will only ever bother hitting the ball back over the net in a conflict war if an insecurity button has been pushed and an old false belief has been triggered.
I know it seems easier to blame the other person for our emotional responses. Darn it! But there are massive wisdom gems hidden within conflict and to uncover them we need to finally grow up and look within instead of pointing the finger.
This level of inquiry is only for the mature of heart.
Who in your life is providing a helpful mirror for you to see and let go of your unexamined beliefs?
Conflict in our lives is often painful but it can also be the rich manure to fertilise the luscious garden of our lives, if we have the courage to face and question our hidden beliefs.
So who's up for it?
Who's ready to learn to use our conflicts to grow and thrive?
Many of us grew up in environments that either taught us to suppress or dramatise our emotions. Both of these emotional behaviours are magnets for conflict.
If we are always avoiding conflict it is a way to continually suppress our emotions and drive the conflict wars inwards. (Hello illness!)
On the other hand, regularly creating conflict in our outer lives is a way to dramatise/project our emotions and blame others for how we feel.
Both deny us the essential growth we require to flourish.
The middle ground is a mature place of self inquiry that requires us to finally grow up, directly experience emotions and has the power to awaken and transform our lives.
My emotional pattern was to often suppress emotion and avoid conflict. I took on the role of the peacemaker in my family and would avoid conflict at all costs and smooth out all rising tension. I would only ever get to a place of conflict when my emotions were boiling over and were unable to be held within any longer.
Beware... volcano exploding!
The boil over points were often triggered by anothers' comment that I would take personally and all of the suppressed and held emotion would come pouring out.
This is the point that I would then hit the conflict ball back 'over the net' and the war would begin. A ping pong match of defence and attack would play out usually with both parties defending their false sense of identity and unexamined beliefs.
All of my energy would then go towards defending my worth, defending my beliefs, defending that I was a good person, defending my choices and defending my actions. Wow what an exhausting fight just to defend a bogus belief! Ha!
Both attack and defence only ever come from a place of insecurity. When our self esteem is strong we are no longer interested in attacking others or defending ourselves.
Over the years I have learnt to release and express old emotions, to examine the beliefs that I would often defend and my self esteem has grown to require less reactional defence. Any conflict that arises in my life now is simply an opportunity to enhance my awakening to truth.
6 tips to use conflict to awaken.
1. Identify the false belief – identify a current conflict in your life or the main person you have had continual conflict with. Then identify the belief that you are often defending with this person. It will help to identify the underlying belief if you can identify how you often feel in this persons presence. (For example, with the main person I have had conflict with in my life, I would often feel judged, blamed, rejected and I would doubt my worth when around them. The underlying belief was that “If someone is upset or feeling hurt it must be my fault. I am a bad person.”)
2. Keep focus inward - When the belief has been identified we need to move our attention away from the other person and ensure that we support ourselves. In the example above, instead of using my energy to defend that I was not a bad person during the perceived attacks, I would keep my focus inward be present with the emotions triggered and would nourish/support myself rather than seeking outward approval. This practice encourages us to worry less about trying to change the other and focus more on our own inner presence and acceptance.
3. Direct experience of emotion - Acknowledge any emotion that has been triggered is an indicator that you have taken the other persons words/actions personally and believe in a false belief/identity. The defensive response can then be replaced with love, acceptance of any triggered thoughts and emotions moving through you. Resist attaching a story to the emotion that is moving through and simply allow it to pass without believing it or identifying with it. This is the point were we no longer need to hit the ball back over the net and start a war.
5. Trust your instincts – Let your intuition guide you when choosing your response. No longer reacting or defending does not mean becoming a 'push over', it just means having the maturity to acknowledge your emotional response and be guided by your instinct instead of your passing emotions. This may mean removing yourself from a situation, honestly admitting how you feel, dodging an attack by seeing it as an insecure cry for help, or responding with love rather than anger.
6. Wake Up – When you learn to no longer identify with your thoughts, feelings or beliefs, conflict is no longer seen as battle to be won but an opportunity for awakening. You are the vast silence that lies beyond any conflict. When we see the world with pure eyes rather than through our insecurities, there is no need to defend, make excuses or adapt who you are to please others. There is no need to take others actions and reactions personally. Allow yourself the confidence and the freedom to be fabulously YOU and allow the other to respond as they feel to. Not everyone is going to like us and that is ok. Awakening to who you are beyond your insecurities allows a vast freedom to let life be as it is.
So go forth lovelies and be willing to investigate the false beliefs exposed during conflict.
If you are struggling to let go of old beliefs and conflict, you don't need to battle alone, book in for a session or my awakening program and together we can transform the fight into freedom.
As always I'd love to hear your thoughts and insights in the comments below and please share this article with your tribe.
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